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‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have’.

“To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour.”    Winston Churchill.

 

When I arrived at our room I was feeling completely overwhelmed, as I said previously, my head was spinning out of control, I can’t do this! I just can’t.

As the midwife left, I lay there in silence breathing big, deep breaths. And slowly within me arose this, this, I don’t know how to describe it. But this, ‘fight’, a fighting spirit arose within me. It’s so hard to explain. But yet it was so strong, so clear. A voice very definitely said to me, “My precious girl. You CAN and you WILL. I need you to. Elijah needs you to. And together we will.”

And honestly from that moment I fought daily to find my brave. I got out my bible and my phone and God gave me these verses through friends and through me just flicking through the pages…. Do not be anxious about anything..Phil 4:6……So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10…

The following 7 days were nothing short of hell on earth. I was not someone who dealt particularly well with the whole caesarean thing. As tingling started to come back into my toes I reached for the buzzer, “Can I get up now?”

“It’s 9am, you’re 8 hours post surgery. NO. You cannot get up now. You need to wait for 24 hours really.”

“I WILL NOT be lying here 24hours I can tell you that now!” (I can be a real treat you know!)

As the ‘chat’ continued we finally agreed that at least for now Ben could take me in a wheelchair up to NICU and see Elijah. Over the next  7 days I came to realise how awful that journey to NICU would be. Your legs turn to jelly. The corridors seem sooooo long. You want to get there as quickly as you can, yet at the same time you don’t as you dread what you might see or be told when they let you in. Your heart pounds in your chest with excitement and nerves and anxious thoughts race through your head. As you arrive at the door you want to run in, and when the nurse smiles you know all is well, and you breathe, ’cause you realise you havent been breathing the whole way up that corridor; but when she walks to the door you know she has something bad to share and you don’t know if your legs are going to buckle beneath you or if you’re going to throw up. And that is how that walk along that corridor went, 4 or 5 times per day for 7 days.

Until one day it was very bad news and I did just stand and wretch on the spot. My legs did buckle. The pain in my chest felt like I was dying.

“We’re going to have to send Elijah to London for heart surgery tonight. He’ll be leaving within the hour, one of you can go with him now and the other join at a later stage.”

And I knew then that that “special moment…to do a very special thing, unique to him” had come. And do you know that night God showed up in a very powerful way. He turned things right around. And it was from that very moment I accepted and have never again doubted…

God is in this. He has a plan. He has purpose.
(It only took 7 days of constant freak outs and then quiet words and reminders from God 🙈)

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