“I must find my brave”…..
Those are the words which start my journal which I began on 20th November 2016 – 8 days after Elijah passed away, and on what should have been his 5 month old milestone. Instead I found myself writing. And that is what I have continued to do. I think for me, writing in my journal, writing here, is a form of therapy. A way for me to process and work through this. A way for me to try to understand in some way, what has happened. And it helps. It does.
I thought I’d share with you that first entry in my journal …..
My darling boy, you would have been 5 months now, but instead you are gone. I don’t get to take the photo, I don’t get to share on Facebook or Instagram your gorgeous wee face, looking at how much you have grown or thinking about what things you enjoy now. And oh, Elijah baby, it hurts.
I miss you.
I miss you very, very much. I wish you were here. I wish you were here for a cuddle. I wish you were here for kisses on your cheek, and for you to try to suck my cheek and snuggle into my neck. I wish you were here to press your pudgy wee cheek up to mine. I wish you were here to hold my finger.
I love you so much wee man.
You were just the best boy. Always so pleased to see me – giving us wee gentle smiles and all the wee chats. I loved how you had began to suck your thumb – you really loved having a good munch on your hand. But Elijah, today and every day from here on – I must find my brave. And I will. I will not let your life be in vain. I WILL find my brave. I will be triumphant in this. I know that you are in our Heavenly Fathers arms and that is amazing.
I am a daughter of the King, and what evil sent to destroy me, I will defeat. I will be that virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 – I will be a “force on the earth.”
So Lord, help me to rise up out of this horrendous situation. Give me the strength that I need to face each day. Lord, help me to get out of bed each day. Help me to keep finding my brave. Lord help me to overcome, to actually grow stronger that I might help others to find their brave. Oh, help me Lord.
So many times people have said to me, “You are so brave.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
I even had someone tell me, “You don’t really look like you’re grieving”!!!!
But guys, here’s the thing. I have no choice. I HAVE to keep fighting. I have to find my brave.
In those ‘early days’, I had people say things which I honestly thought, “are you for real??” And I know people don’t know what to say, and I know they never meant to hurt. But some of the comments – cut me deep. They caused me to draw in a sharp breath, in the hope that I would not slap them across the face or else burst into hysterical tears. I had to keep telling myself, “they did not mean that”. And absolutely there was an element of no one could actually say anything right I was that far past myself!!
They stirred up a determination within me, that I would become a voice for others, that somehow I would help others who find themselves in a similar situation. That somehow God might use this for good. That somehow I might help others to find their brave in a hopeless situation , because….
“I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all, oh how well I remember – the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there is one thing I remember, and keep remembering, I keep a grip on hope. God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up, they’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness. I’m sticking with God. He’s all I’ve got left.” Lamentations 3 v 19-24.
Elijah – less than 24 hours old xxx