Still the same.

Yesterday, it was one week until what should be Elijah’s first birthday. I guess though it is still going to be his first birthday – he’s just not celebrating, here, with us.

I had been fine all day, totally fine, but then when I got into bed, I started to think. I started to think about how innocent I was this time last year. All I knew then was excitement that very soon our baby would be joining us. I can remember feeling so blessed and so thankful for this little one. I can remember thanking God for this rainbow baby and feeling so, so happy.

And I started to sob. Really sob. Ben was up in the living room doing school work and I contemplated going up to him. But I got back into bed and thought, no, right now this is between me and God. And so I did the only thing I know how to at times like this …… I listened to music. And I sobbed and sang and listened for 2 hours to just a couple of songs on repeat.

Because. God does not change. Our circumstances change, our lives change, but God does not. That same God who I had been praising on 13th June 2016 is the same God I was crying out to last night.  I was reminded that the God I had known on the mountain top is the same God with me in this pit.

For me, connecting with God in praise is what gets me through the darkest of times. For you, it may be something else. But music stirs up something within me. And at the end of my own, private little worship session, yes my heart was heavy, but my sorrow and despair was light.

When Elijah was in hospital I made a playlist on YouTube …. Quite often I fell asleep at night listening to it. The best place to fall asleep is surely in the throne room of heaven at Jesus’ feet. Last night I listened to it again and it brought back so many memories and emotions. But above all it brought back that truth – God is good. He does not change. And we will dance together in this darkness.
For those interested my playlist can be found here ……



But my songs on repeat are ….

The joy of the Lord

King of my heart (see above)

Glorious things

And a recent addition – Weep with me

One thought on “Still the same.

  1. Dear Karen,
    Thank you so much for sharing Elijah’s story with us. You write so eloquently and all your children are beautiful. I have appreciated listening to your playlist as it contains some songs with which I was not familiar. Here is a link (hopefully) to the songs that I listened to on repeat in 2014 after my teenage daughter Leah died. Some of these songs were ones that Leah loved and we used to listen to them together. Others are songs that friends shared with me after Leah died and they ministered to my soul.


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