It’s 00:04. And I’m dodging sleep. I don’t want to go to sleep right now. I’m scared to. I’m scared of what I might dream. I’m scared I’ll wake and will have lost how I’m feeling right now.
Today was a good day – we had a BBQ with my side of the family. My youngest sister is heading to Uganda tomorrow for almost 3 weeks, so we had a little bon voyage at our house for her. It was a lovely wee day.
And tonight was good too – Ben and I finished off the salady stuff from the BBQ and watched a couple of episodes of Greys Anatomy ( I know, we’re 10 years late to that party, but we’re catching up!)
As I got up from the sofa to go to bed when we’d decided to call it a night, an image caught my eye on the computer. It was off Jonah, Seth, Leah and Elijah. It’s one of my favs – all 4 of them are looking straight into the camera. Jonah, Seth and Leah are sooo happy and baby Elijah so content. It’s a beautiful one. I hovered around the computer as I knew the image would change to another, we have the laptop set to show photos on loop from June 2016 – November 2016. I sat for almost 30 minutes watching that slide show. Half way through I found myself crying. Really hurting. My chest hurt. I would sometimes wretch.
Our baby died.
There are moments when that hits me. As if reality hits for another time. OUR little baby actually died.
You see. It is surreal at times. Numb. Did that actually happen? Oh I know he lived. I can believe that no problem. But the fact that he died? That’s much harder to believe.
I pulled myself away from the computer and got into bed. “Will we ever feel normal again?” I ask Ben. “No,” he replied, “how could we?”
Things will never be the same again. Our bubble has been burst. That thought, “it will never happen to us”, no longer applies. It did happen. The worst that life has to offer has been thrown at us. We’re changed. We’ll never be ‘normal’ again.
Our innocence, ‘naivety’ has been taken. It’s hard not to live in a state of doom and gloom or to be overwhelmed by the sadness and despair.
But we cling to joy. Not feelings, nor happiness. But joy. Joy in the Lord – for that is our strength.
We will be changed by the loss of Elijah. We choose to be changed for the better. I can see it’s going to be a process, a looooong process. But that’s ok. It’s a life changer. When little Elijah died a physical part of me died. But a part of who I am / was died too. I now get that phrase you hear thrown around.
But that is ok. I keep living. Changed. Never the same. But I keep living. I look at that photo of the 4 of them. And I move forward. Not ‘moving on’ …. you don’t move on from something like this.
I feel a little scared about hitting the publish button on this …. it feels a little too much to put out there. But I want others to know, who find themselves in a similar, if not the same situation …. to take hope in the truth – circumstances can steal your happiness, nothing can steal your joy.
I no longer have, “what ifs” …. my worst nightmare became my reality …. I now have, “even when’s” ……
“even when the tears just won’t stop ….. even when you forget how to breathe ….. even when the emotional pain is just too much …. even when your darling boy passes away”….
God is there.