It has been a while since I’ve blogged – I think I struggle with knowing whether or not people will want to read, whether it will connect with anyone or whether people will think, ‘what IS she doing writing about that?!’ But then this evening I feel like I should write out my thoughts, I feel led to do so. Maybe it won’t help anyone, or inspire anyone, but selfishly, perhaps it will help me. In a way it helps me too to fight the mum guilt – it allows me to acknowledge Elijah. To speak of him.
Things at the moment feel ….. I’m not sure what the word is actually. I’m not sure whether things feel hard or difficult … or perhaps it’s that things feel uncomfortable almost. I just feel uneasy. Anxious maybe? Or maybe that things just feel all wrong.
I think with the new school term fast approaching and everyone going on about, ‘how good it will be to get back into routine’ … it’s causing my inner self to freak out. Every inch of my being wants to fight against any notion of our old routine.
You see, right now, that’s my biggest struggle. That is my biggest issue with this thing called grief. I should not be getting back into our old routine. My life right now should not look like this …. it should not look like it did in May 2016.
As a family we are meant to be different. People were supposed to be able to look at us and see that we were changed. But they don’t. On the outside we are just as we were September 2015. It’s as if nothing has happened.
And so I find myself fighting that. Both consciously, and subconsciously too it seems. I now shop in different places, cook different meals, I’ve even changed how I dress, my make up routine. I’ve gone DIY mad in the house, every room has been or is being changed in some way. I NEED things to be different. I NEED my life, on the outside to look different too, cause my inside has most definitely changed.
And I know, I know, we will never be the same again. I know people know about little Elijah.
But I just need to do these things. It’s almost, for me, like a mark of respect to our wee man….I haven’t forgotten you honeybun, I’m not just moving on, I’m not pretending like nothing happened. My life is different, I promise you Elijah, my life is different 🐘