One phrase that has bothered me a lot over the past year is the one – ‘moving on’. Now, no one has ever said it to me …. yet. I guess though we are only 10 months down this road of grief. But still, it bothers me. I dread the thought of someone ever saying to me, ‘it’s time to’, or that I ‘should think about moving on’, because truthfully I don’t intend to. Not ever. I will not move on. Nor do I think that I should.
Instead, and it has taken me a while to come up with a phrase with which I am more comfortable, but I think I’ve now decided. I prefer to think of things in this light – we will keep on living. It’s kind of hard to explain exactly that I mean by that. It’s a very personal thing, a very personal idea I have of how I will deal with things now. I suppose I also have in my head, we will keep on, keeping on.
You see I will not move on. For me that suggests that we have quite literally moved on – that the thing that we are moving on from is over, it’s done with now and it’s time to get on with things. But I just cannot do that. Elijah is not something to move on from. He was, and still is our baby boy, our son, our brother, our precious wee snuggler. We do not leave him behind, nor do we ‘move on’ from him. Instead we keep on living …..
We keep on living with Elijah in our hearts and in our thoughts. All. The. Time. We keep on seizing the day, making the most of every opportunity because that’s what Elijah taught us to do. We keep on living for today, with hope for tomorrow because when Elijah was here that’s what we did. We keep on living with smiles on our faces because of the memories we have of him playing with J, S and L and of him snuggling in to our chests and our cheeks, of him stroking Daddy’s beard and grabbing Mummy’s top. We keep on living because the book is not finished, it does not end here, when Elijah left this place, yes a part of us left too, but we are to keep on living, because our jobs here are not yet complete. We keep on living because one day we will all be together again and we will resume our singing and our dancing and our playing. We keep on living with a pain that aches deep down within us. We keep on living, shedding tears all too often. We keep on living wishing things could have been different. But we keep on living.
We will not move on, we will keep on living.