A wave

IMG_1132A wave has come over me. Just right now. Out of nowhere. And it has me sucked right under. I didn’t see it coming. There was no build up to it. No warning. But it just knocked the legs clean from underneath me. And I’m drowning.  Totally drowning.

So I’m writing.

I have no direction for this blog post. I do not know what I am going to say. But I wanted someone out there to know – it happens to me too.  I get it.

Grief sucks. It is unpredictable. It kind of prowls around in the background, waiting to pounce with a sting. It’s always there though, watching. But when it pounces, it does catch you unawares.

I was just hugging Ben goodnight in our hallway,  when Elijah’s little face caught my eye in one of the photos. It’s a photo I pass every day, numerous times a day. But just now, it got me. It pounced.

My Elijah died. My beautiful baby boy died. It’s so much easier to believe he lived, than it is to believe that he died. “But he only lived for 5 months”, I hear you say. “He’s been dead for 14”.

But he didn’t only live for 5 months. He’s been in my head and my heart for so much longer. He was the baby we dreamed of for so long. The baby we planned. He was with me for almost 9 months. I loved him then. Even before then. And I love him now.

I’m not sure it will ever feel real … will it? My child died. It’s not something that’s meant to be part of your story.

Tonight, grief pounced. The wave has washed over me, and yes I’m drowning.

I will be ok. I’ve been here before and no doubt I’ll be here again. For now I’ll lament and I’ll wrestle and I’ll struggle and I’ll grieve. But I will rise, I’ll catch the ring, I’ll get pulled back to the surface and I’ll breathe again.

And you will too …. keep looking up. Reach for the ring ….


5 thoughts on “A wave

  1. And once again you give hope in your despair…you are definitely meant to share this story. Those waves that engulf you are so hard to bear but I pray that as you catch that ring you’ll feel peace and comfort. x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Karen, I’m thinking about you and praying for you today. 💟 Sometimes I think that grief is like a deep wound that has scabbed over. It doesn’t take much to knock the scab off that wound and leave us raw and bleeding once again. 💟
    Yours because we are His,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I pray that God will lift your broken heart Karen. Grief is horrendous the effects the death of a child brings seems so much more devastating than any other. A family link broken on earth but held together through God and His grace for children. We are very thankful for that grace and that we will see them one again when it’s our time to go home. My grief is the loss of my nephew thankful that I got to hold him even if it wasn’t for very long and a few other close family members little angels too. You beautiful lady you are such an inspiration and strength to so many people. I know that even when your drowning you seem to have the strength of mighty elephants that brings you through along with your beautiful little family. I think all the little elephants around Elijah are perfect for the strength you all show. God bless you Karen and your family I will continue to keep you in prayer xo

    Liked by 1 person

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