It’s funny – I have sat down to write a post on here so many times in the past 4 weeks. But yet, I have never actually had the guts to write anything. I sit and I think and I want to write, but yet I feel scared to – I think it’s ‘scared’ to, maybe it’s doubt, maybe it’s insecurity, maybe it’s paranoia, Whatever it is, it has stopped me writing.
In my head I think – you can’t keep writing about Elijah, people don’t want to hear about ‘that’ anymore, it’s time you had moved on, people know Elijah, they know his story, but you’re going to bore them if you keep going on about it.
In my head I think – people are going to think you don’t care about Jonah or Seth or Leah, you’ve got to write about them.
In my head I think – you’re just saying the same thing over and over again.
In my head I think – you’ve got nothing to write about.
But, you know, all of these thoughts are nonsense, total nonsense – I know that. And I can tell myself that all I like , but it doesn’t stop me thinking it. We’re all like that though aren’t we? The self doubt, the guilt, the over thinking. But, we shouldn’t let it stop us from following our heart.
Our head and our heart are so often in conflict. More often than not, I follow my gut.
And my gut tells me to keep writing. Even if it helps one person – (maybe that one person will be me!), but if it can help one other person feel a little more normal, or help someone understand a friend more, help someone know that there’s a ‘me too’ out there, then I’ll keep writing.
This past couple of months I am so aware that life is not ‘going on’. Elijah’s 2nd birthday is coming up so quickly. Facebook reminds me ‘2 years ago’ frequently. And it is hard to stomach. For me, it feels like only a few weeks ago that I was holding him in my arms. I will never forget my boy, but my biggest, biggest fear, is that others will.
And maybe you’ll say, ‘we won’t forget him either’, and perhaps you won’t. But please remind me that you haven’t.
Just the other evening, Ben and I were out for dinner in Belfast and I made him stop off at The Royal, just so that we could drive around the car park, walk through the corridors. My heart was thumping, not because of the pain of our missing son, but for fear that if I bumped into a doctor or a nurse that they would ask, “Sorry, who are you?”
Grocery shopping is something that I still struggle with. I drive 30 minutes to shop in a Tesco, when there’s one that will deliver to my doorstop, or one half the distance, but I can’t risk going there for fear that the checkout lady will remember me and ask questions. I can’t risk being in the aisle where I used to buy Elijah’s nappies or his cotton wool, or his little babygro’s. M&S used to be somewhere we picked up a few Percy pigs or a dine in for 2, now I will blow my wages there regularly, because it’s not somewhere that I ‘used to shop before.’
I kind of hate Sprucefield now, when once it was my favourite hang out. I can’t bare to think about Mothercare and that gorgeous Little Bird range, because it
that those gorgeous dungarees won’t ever be mine. When I dropped Leah to playgroup in 2015/2016, me and bump would spend our mornings browsing Sprucefield. I’d imagine bringing baby there for coffee dates with friends, while his/her brothers and sister were at school. I’d our future all planned out, we were going to have some mighty fine times. We never got to go there once, my Elijah and me. So I’m not sure I ever want to be there on my own again on an early morning.
Most nights I’m in the house. Most Saturday’s I’m lying low with family. Previously my diary was packed – breakfast with Fiona on Friday, coffee with Catherine on Saturday morning, dinner with the girls on Wednesday etc.. etc.. Now, I cancel or I see new friends. And I don’t mean that to be hurtful. I don’t mean it in a nasty way. Gosh, I miss some of my old chums terribly. It just seems to be, one of those things.
Life is not ‘going on’. A new life has begun. I intend to embrace it. I do and will continue to find joy in it. It’s a new chapter, a new road to journey – for Me, my gang and my Elijah x