I’ve just sat down on the sofa. Jonah, Seth and Leah aren’t too long asleep. The ironing is done. The work tops cleaned. Ben is out.
It’s a normal kind of night. Our computer is on … as it usually would be … there’s always someone doing something. Our screensaver is set to loop our “Elijah” photo album. Tonight it catches my eye. There’s nearly always 1 photo that does. But tonight I can’t take my eyes off it. Even as I’m typing this on my phone I keep watching the images from the corner of my eye.
I just want to hold him again. I just want to kiss those cheeks, rub that wee head. I just want to have him here.
I know I’ve accepted our story. I know there’s a plan and a purpose. I know that. I believe that. I know it has taught us so much. I know Elijah left a great big footprint here.
I just really wish tonight, that this wasn’t our story. I just really wish tonight that this wasn’t part of our plan.
I just really wish tonight I could go down to his bedroom, and fret about whether or not he is too hot.
I just really wish tonight I was tidying up his toys that had been scattered from one end of the house to the other.
I just really wish tonight I could sneak in and watch him sleep and hold his wee hand.
I just really wish tonight I was packing his swimming shorts in the bag with Jonah, Seth and Leahs.
I just really wish tonight that …. he had lived.