“I must find my brave”….. Those are the words which start my journal which I began on 20th November 2016 – 8 days after Elijah passed away, and on what should have been his 5 month old milestone. Instead I found myself writing. And that is what I have continued to do. I think for… Continue reading I Must Find My Brave.
15th November 2016 …. the day I buried my baby boy. Even that sentence just does not make sense. Everything about it is wrong. So. Very. Wrong. Yet, it is fact. That is what we had to do. Even thinking about that seems surreal. Did I really do that? Did I actually survive that? And… Continue reading The day I buried my baby boy.
That day, 12th November 2016, is a day that was so raw, so poignant, so surreal, an out of body experience, yet so very real and painful. As little Elijah took his final breath in my arms, I too thought I might never breathe again. Truth be told I don’t think I’ve breathed the same… Continue reading When you’ve hit the bottom.
We can build things up in our head can’t we? And then, when the ‘event’ actually happens, sometimes, it’s not quite what we thought it was going to be. Sometimes it’s much worse than we thought, sometimes it’s better. That was Mother’s Day this year for me. I was dreading it. The whole week leading… Continue reading Mothers Day 2017
Those last 6 days were a mix of both the happiest and the saddest days I have ever experienced. I wish I could show you videos from the Sunday afternoon here at home – he was LOVING life with his siblings. They sang with him, read him stories, played with him, danced with him and… Continue reading No sadness like it.
Whilst PICU was hell, and I mean hell, there was undoubtedly purpose in it. It was a significant part of both ours and Elijah’s journey. There were days when I was completely and utterly broken. But it was on PICU that I realised every single day we have here, on this earth is a gift.… Continue reading Live for today.
Life in PICU was hard. We had no diagnosis for Elijah, all we knew for sure was that he had a serious heart condition. Consultants felt strongly that there was a serious underlying condition that had caused his heart to become damaged. And whilst, I completely respect the job that they do, it is extremely hard… Continue reading The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
But then, on 29th August our world came crashing down around us, and what followed was 3 weeks of hell. Torture. Complete despair. Heartache like I have never known. Instead of bringing our wee man home, Elijah ended up in PICU that afternoon and was the most fragile little one in The Royal Victoria Hospital. I actually… Continue reading Disappointment.
As I said in the previous post we began to entertain the idea of getting our wee man home. And I have to admit I was so ready for this. My patience was definitely wearing thin, there were days it was all I could do to get out of bed and head down that M1… Continue reading Feeling determined.
And so August continued with those ups and downs. As friends and family and people we didn’t even know prayed and fasted we saw God move in remarkable ways. Results came back to say he didn’t have this and he didn’t have that. When they thought there were problems with his brain, then his kidneys,… Continue reading Did someone say home?